Mortal Food

Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 02:37:10 -0500 (CDT)
From: xxx <xxx@xxx.lsu.edu>
To: xxx@xxx.com
Subject: Hostess Lemon Pies

I swear this is a true story. I have witnesses to similar things said by the people involved, from earlier in the evening. And if I knew who any of them were, about 25 people in the Emergency room waiting room of the Lafayette General Hospital were witnesses to this account.

Lafayette used to have a really cool bar named Nightcaps, which became my favorite place to hang out once I figured out that I could get in free before 10, drink Cuervo Gold shots for a dollar, dance while there was room on the dancefloor to dance, and leave completely trashed just about the time the frat guys showed up.

Now in this nightclub, the DJ listened to industrial music, and the manager let him play cool industrial stuff until the sorority girls showed up (at which point he had to stop because the people on the dancefloor scared them away.)

So there was a crowd of regulars, most of which were pretty gothic and wore all black and died their hair black and really liked to dance in a box like a dying swan, something I found out they practice in their spare time. Although I usually do not dance in a box like a dying swan, I was a member of this crowd of freaks. I only dance in a box like a dying swan when I am being sarcastic. I am one of the few people that I know that can get away with dancing sarcastically.

Well, one night one of these "batboys" as we so affectionately called the box dancers, got into a fight with his ex-wife and her girlfriend, in the middle of the dance floor. Some large preppy guys came to the defense of the ladies and punched said batboy in the nose, breaking it. His best friend batboy had a crush on me and had been coming up to me (and to my friend Celeste) all evening, and leaning over really close to my neck near my ear and saying "Jennifer. I hunger." in this really throaty voice he'd probably just figured out how to do. He did this all evening, in spite of the number of times we refered him to the hamburger stand outside. Finally he said to me once "I do not hunger for mortal food." Like he was convincing.

So anyway, the mortal food guy had to bring the guy with the broken nose to the emergency room, and he begged me to go with them so he wouldn't have to sit alone in the waiting room. So I went.

In the car on the way to the hospital, they kept talking about how "Azrael was going to make that guy pay" and "Azrael was the one that brought them over and she will protect them" and blah blah blah. Being myself, I asked them what they meant when they said that Gargamel's cat brought them over, but they just glared and/or bled in my general direction.

Finally we got to the hospital and we waited and these guys were really drunk. So the one with the broken nose finally gets to see the nurse and she brings him to the doctor and we don't see him for quite a long time. I'm sitting in the waiting room with Mr. Mortal Food, who has to get up to go to the bathroom to puke every twenty minutes or so. I get SO bored. So I decide that I need something to drink and I go to the coke machine, partly to get me a break from Mr. Mortal Food. But there's a snack machine right next to the coke machine and in the snack machine were HOSTESS LEMON PIES!!!! Realizing that Hostess Lemon Pies are the source of all good in the world, I bought one and I sauntered back to my seat. By this time, the guy was crying and really drawing a lot of attention to himself, not to mention his make-up was running. And he was whining about how could this happen and Azrael had sworn to protect them and the other guy didn't deserve to have any harm come to him and he had a broken nose and we were sitting in the hospital waiting to find out if this guy was gonna be alright and sob sob sob.

So I look over at him and I say "Would you like some? Hostess Lemon Pies are the source of all good in the world." So he screams in disgust at the top of his lungs "MORTAL FOOD!!!!!!!" gets up and pukes in the garbage can.

So now you know how to torture goth people who pretend to be vampires but really get up in the day and go to work at computer jobs. Offer them Hostess Lemon Pies. They are the source of all good in the world. And they ward off vampires.

For weeks, about ten of us would scream "MORTAL FOOD!!!!" everytime we went to the dorm snack machine.

Excuse me but I must consume a corndog now.